I still believe in love. I still believe in happily ever afters. I believe in all the things that country love songs talk about. It would be so easy to be bitter and say, “I had that once and look where it got me.” Full disclosure, I’ve said those exact words more than once over the last eight months. I’ve looked at happy couples holding hands and thought, “they must be a new couple, that wont last long” but then in the back of my mind I’ve always hoped that for them it does. I’ve made jokes in an effort to hide my pain, but I still believe in a love that can overcome any trials it is given.
More than once I’ve asked why. Why did this have to happen? Why wasn’t I able to save my marriage? Why didn’t he want to try to fix us.* When all this started happening there was another marriage in my extended family that was also having problems. On Christmas I sat and watched them holding hands so happy that they have been able to start working through things. Then I cried on my Uncle’s shoulder as I asked, “how come her husband wants to try while mine doesn’t?” I can’t answer that question. At least not an answer that makes me feel better.
While the idea of having to date again still threatens to send me into an anxiety attack, I know that eventually I will. People repeatedly tell me that I will find someone new. I’m “young”, “pretty” and an “amazing catch”. I’ve been told that when I’m ready I’ll have guys lining up for the chance to be with me. While that doesn’t sound like a totally horrible idea, I don’t know if that’s what I want.
I don’t regret the last eight years. I look back on them and smile because so much happiness came from them. I still love him. I will always love him. I will always wish good things for him and pray that all his dreams come true.
Yes, I still believe in love. The kind that makes you want to be a better person. The kind of love that George Strait sings about. The only difference is that I don’t believe that it can only happen once. I believe that God puts more than just one person into the world for us and I don’t doubt for a second that both of us will find happiness again. My only hope is that this time it will be a happiness that will last until we’re old and gray.
I believe it in love because I’ve had it once and I have faith that I will have it again..
*I know that he did and that he tried. At the time it was hard to see it through my pain, but I can see it now.